“Do you still love me? Huh? Am I still the one?”
That question… yeah… I still haven’t answered your question. Perhaps I didn’t want you to know my answer, I guess.
There were a lot of times that I’d miss you. Actually… I think I do miss you right now… and maybe later… and tomorrow when I wake up again.
When I wake up in the morning, I’d remember you. Then I’d pray, greet the Lord a good morning and hope for a wonderful adventure.
When I wash the dishes… I’d think of the dozen stories I’ve written about you. I’ve placed a dozen of names just to hide the fact that it was you… but I don’t think my readers would figure out. Then I’d imagine another scenario of you and me.
When I pass by our high school, I’d remember every bit of your smile. I remember the day when you accidentally held my hand just because I tapped you on your shoulder. I also cherish the moment when you told me I look good… probably you don’t remember that. I remember when you danced with me on our JS Prom… yeah… sorry about that. I was so embarrassed of myself that I ran off after 5 seconds. I wish I had stayed. And I clearly remember when you insisted me to like another guy. ‘Cause I can still feel the pain… just so you know.
When I pass by KFC or McDonalds… I was always tempted to get in. Probably because I remember us having lunch there.
And I was badly tempted to buy something in Jollibee since we both love JaDine.
When I miss you… I tend to smile… write a little blog about you… hoping you’d not find them. And then cry a little in my heart… knowing you’d never really like me back.
I don’t really intend to answer your question… if I had said no, that’s a lie, perhaps you already noticed. You and I should know the answer if you’d ask me if I still love you. But I guess I’ll tell you “I don’t know.”
‘Cause the truth is… you have never rejected me directly before. You might have liked someone before and even got yourself a girlfriend… and for sure I was never a part of that love you’ve given to the other girls. But you also haven’t rejected me directly… not yet… not just yet.
And perhaps the reason why I don’t want to answer the question… is because I can’t… not yet. Because maybe, after all this time… I still… ugh… no… perhaps I wont say it, ’cause you already knew. You were my first love after all. And I was satisfied with the one-sided love I’ve lived for a very long time. And I was so afraid of admitting anything to you right now… because after that… you’d probably reject me then. And now… it’s for real.