To 4am

Been consistently waking up to 4am lately. Actually, not just 4am, but 3am also. Sometimes 5, when I don’t need to.

I was bothered. It’s so hard to fall asleep again and wake up to my right alarm after a few minutes.

My dad knew about it, so he asked, “maybe you were thinking of something. What was bothering you?” I casually answered, “nothing.”

This didn’t happen before. But in all honesty, I really knew what was happening. It all started when you stepped in then out of my life.

Funny ’cause I knew from the start that you’re an “on and off” person. Someone who had been amazingly fun to talk with, and then suddenly ghost me.

I knew your name from the start, but we haven’t been formally introduced due to some circumstances. But I constantly hear stories about you. Good ones actually. Been trying to think, maybe you’re actually a good guy, but who knows? I’m not someone who judges a person base on someone else’s story.

Time went by and I finally got to talk to you. It was nice. But it didn’t last. And then one time, I got the chance to have a long and normal conversation. Not until a friend got the wrong idea and pitched us in. And then you got assigned somewhere else again.

And the cycle went on. You were back again, but this time, you’re stuck with me. Funny ’cause being stuck with me doesn’t make you a constant person by my side. I don’t know what made us try… but I did try to get a little close. Maybe because you were okay. No… honestly speaking, I got so conscious of you because of the people around us. I’ve been hearing stories about you even when you’re not around. Your friends and mine are constantly bothering me about you. You have my attention. I wasn’t aware of it before, buy gradually, I got attracted… a bit.

And maybe that’s the reason why I wake up at 4am. Maybe I was hoping I’d get a text message… something that I know is impossible. Maybe I was hoping you’d greet a good morning or good night. Maybe somewhere in between the hopelessness of us, you’d be concerned for a very tiny bit.

No. Maybe the reason why I wake up at 4am is because you did all of those once. And then one day, you shut me off. Like, did I do something wrong? Or maybe you’re just this kind of person… an “on and off” one.

Maybe I was right all along. All I know about you is your name… and the stories that latched with it. Nothing more. So maybe I shouldn’t be wishing for more. Maybe I should step out too. Maybe I should.

Maybe.

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