Deadline

Okay.
So, hi?
This is probably, actually, the first blog entry which is recorded. Okay, I was planning to do this just a little while ago. Medyo… bugso ng damdamin, ba ‘yon? Well, whatever, so… for the blog title, let’s name it, uh… DEADLINE.

Okay.

So, yeah, actually, it’s… a deadline for everything that has been happening for the past 10 days. So, as premise, my brother went to Korea for his school thing. So, I was left in the Philippines to cater to myself, I think. I think when he was gone, I was able to actually spend time with myself, which is really, really, really, really boring, and I also think that when he left, I was able to face my own problems.

And it’s kind of annoying ‘coz uh, when he left, I don’t need to be strong. I don’t need to be someone dependent (*dependable) ‘coz he’s not around. When he left, I think that became a reason for me to look back on the things I was doing. That, I’m only doing because he’s here.

‘Coz I really wanted to be someone dependent, as, no, no, no, I mean someone dependable. Okay? I wanted to be a role model. I wanted to be someone that he can count on. So maybe that is the reason why I think when he was still here I always wanted to be someone that is strong, when actually I’m not.

Well, things went that way. I started to be who I really am… inside. So, I, everything was actually falling apart. Because I think, I am going thru a lot of stuff. And I was so weak, I felt weak actually. I always thought of my problems as a big burden that… that shouldn’t be like that because those problems are actually just a few petty things that I’m overly dramatic. But in my heart, it felt so heavy. Within these past few 10 days I was actually feeling heavy. Everything is miserable. I cried to church. I look for people that actually could understand me but, no, they can’t. They can’t ease my anxiousness and it’s really bad.

Until… maybe now, I realize that it’s not that I’m weak, it’s not that I’m sad or lonely. It’s not that I’m not dependable at all. But maybe because he was here. Maybe because I had someone to look out for. Maybe that is the reason why I became strong. Maybe it’s not like what I think that I tried being strong because of him, no. Maybe I really became strong because he’s here. Maybe I really did became(*become) a better person because I have someone that I love.

And maybe that is the reason why I am strong. Maybe that is the reason why even though I have my own problems… it’s, it’s fine. ‘Coz, I can manage things even with those problems. I can multi-task. I can, you know, make conversations with different people. I can talk to him all night long. I feel energized when he’s here. I can get to have those random hugs whenever I feel like I’m down. And, he’d freely give them to me. And then I’d feel energized. You know, it’s like, uh, from… from being someone so weak, I get to be someone so strong.

Maybe, maybe that is the reason why the Lord had introduced my brother to me. And it’s funny ‘coz I don’t really have a boyfriend, but that’s what he does to me. And I really like the way that he’s always there for me. We don’t talk much about our own problems, but, you know, that thing that you feel when he’s just there. He doesn’t need to talk about his problems, he doesn’t need to know my problems, he doesn’t need to listen to any of my shits, he just needs to be here. And I feel strong. I feel okay. I felt fine.

And maybe, I really do miss him. Those 10 days that had passed, I think it just went past like… yesterday? ‘Coz he left us October 24 and it’s November 1 now, but I think he only left us yesterday. We don’t do video calls every day. I reply to our group chat for maybe about 5 times in a day, only. But it felt like he was just gone yesterday. Time went by so fast, that I think he’d just left for school this morning and then I can get to see him later tonight.

Maybe, maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe, maybe this is good. Maybe it’s good that he left for a while. I was able to realize these few things. Thank You Lord. ‘Coz you know, I’m actually having a breakdown for these 10 days. I felt so heavy and so annoyed and so angry for things that are happening especially work. So, stressing me out. But you know what, maybe, maybe that was the onl- maybe those were the only days that I get to be depressed or annoyed or stressed with work because my brother’s coming back! Which means I can get to enjoy myself again. I’d be strong again. so, the stress, the stress doesn’t have any hours left in my body, actually.

I think, I think I just really miss my brother. Imma hug him when he comes back. And welcome all of my problems on Monday, and tell those problems “You shit, you’re not going to stress me anymore. ‘Coz you know what? My strong self, my strong self is back. And… you can never conquer me again because the Lord has given me back the person that makes me strong. Because the Lord knows all me.” Maybe I don’t need a boyfriend. Actually, I want. But, actually, I want a boyfriend. But I don’t know if I need it right now. Or if I need him in these lonely days… in these lonely hours… in these problems. But I just realized now that maybe the one I need to be recharged is just a person that I love and that’s my brother. If the Lord is gonna give me a boyfriend, maybe, it’s just a bonus thing. So maybe that’s just it. I just, I just think I became a stronger person because the Lord had given me someone to love, and that is my brother. And I hope you people can also feel the same way with those people that you love. That you became stronger with them. And you wouldn’t want them to leave anymore, again. So, that, that, that’s just it. I really hope you liked my first ever, I don’t know if there’s going to be a second recorded blog entry so… yeah… good bye!

P.S. I had a hard time typing the things that I said. So I’m really not sure if I’m going to do this again. Haha! The noise on the background was me changing bed sheets and the neighbor’s rooster. I also realized that I used too much “actually” and “uh”. And I talk too slow at times. Haha! Also, if you might have noticed by now, October 24 to November 1 is not 10 days. I was referring to things that were happening before he departed. So a total of ten days still. Hihi.

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